they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
