Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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