PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
