Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
