I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
