Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
