she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
