She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
