Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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