She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
