I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
