god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
