My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
pop tarts are not kleenex
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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