i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
