I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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