I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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