The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
