That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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