we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
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Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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