I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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