Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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