I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
