Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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