You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
