I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My hand turned me down
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
