FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
