I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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