im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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