K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
