You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
