I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
