the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
