i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
God, you're like boner-b-gone
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
FUCK WHALES
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