The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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