she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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