I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
