I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Randomize
