Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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