Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
