He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
