She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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