Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
