do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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