What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
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she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
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I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize