hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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