I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
