ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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