I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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