how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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