I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Enjoy the penises
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
