the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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