Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
