Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
