Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize