I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
