my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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