Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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