my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
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She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.