Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.