I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step