Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.