I'm in love with you.
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.