Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
