I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.