i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth