there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?